Diving Back In

Now that school has officially begun and the work piles higher as my "To-Do" list becomes longer with responsibilities and expectations, some of which are my own perfectionist standards shining through, I feel as though I am diving headlong into a tornado of work.
However, as I dive back into this work that could threaten to consume me, God has been providing opportunities for diving deeper into Him as well, which has refreshed and revived my soul in a way that is so undeniable. Not only has the Lord been speaking peace into my life concerning my future and my present, but He continually assures me of His presence and His current workings in my life.
God has reminded me how blessed I am. If I were left to my own devices I would deserve death, but God in His mercy could not leave me in the mess that I created for myself. He has been teaching me that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just in forgiving us! Such a relief, because that was some good news that I needed to hear.

Senior Year Life Review

Over the past few weeks I have found myself wondering what I have actually accomplished with my life and what may realistically lie in my future. This has been a scary time, thinking about all of the things that I have accomplished, the projects I have undertaken, and the awards that have been bestowed upon me, yet what do these awards amount to? In my life I have accrued two binders full of awards, scholarships, distinctions, and other miscellaneous pats on the back, yet here I am, still scared of what the future will bring, wondering where I am called to grad school, and questioning what degree I should be striving for that will get me where I most want to go.

The scariest part of looking to the future is knowing that friend circles, especially the ones from college, are transient; that is to say that we have enjoyed our time together, but soon we will all move on, make new friends, settle into new communities, and experience a new form of life without tests, semesters, staying up late with housemates, and being able to come home for vacation.What will our lives look like in the real world? Will I be mature and sophisticated enough to ride through this transition with grace and confidence?

I guess applying for grad school has made me think about who I will meet, who I will work with, and what experiences lie ahead. Though these opportunities excite me, the power to decide frightens me. What if I choose the wrong place? What if I don't settle well into the new place? What if I don't succeed wherever this path of life takes me? I know that no matter what I can look to a bright and joyful future with friends and family that love me for me, because that has followed me my whole life. I know I have a faith in a God who will only allow the best for me, and that is a great comfort. I think the fear comes from the blunders that I know I am going to make on the way; even though I can preemptively say that I am going to fail, I cannot prevent these failures, and learning some of life's lessons can be hard. But I am hoping (the eternal optimist in me emerges) that these stumbles along this journey will merely look like I am dancing, and not that I have screwed my life up beyond any point of redemption.

Ultimately these fears chalk up to nothing, a vapor that tries to drag me down as I fly towards the open window placed before me, yet I look back and miss what I have lost. Along the way, drifting apart from friends and a significant other have detrimentally affected how I see myself and my future, yet I move on, striving for those who will truly love me, and fight for me no matter what. I love unconditionally, and I cannot wait to find someone who will do that same.

A New Year

Life confuses me in how circumstances can be orchestrated so that people meet, get together, break up, get back together, and how friends migrate in and out and back into our lives. While thinking over the many friends that I have had the pleasure of meeting over my college career, I can't help but think about how I have gotten closer to some friends and drifted apart from others simply because of the timing and circumstances of our lives. This retrospect has caused me to consider what really matters in life, and that is to appreciate the people who love us and whom we love. This year I am going to enjoy the time that I have with the people in my life, and I am going to continue to reach out to the people that are in my life. This year is going to be rich, full of memories that I will cherish forever and no regrets.