Over the past few weeks I have found myself wondering what I have actually accomplished with my life and what may realistically lie in my future. This has been a scary time, thinking about all of the things that I have accomplished, the projects I have undertaken, and the awards that have been bestowed upon me, yet what do these awards amount to? In my life I have accrued two binders full of awards, scholarships, distinctions, and other miscellaneous pats on the back, yet here I am, still scared of what the future will bring, wondering where I am called to grad school, and questioning what degree I should be striving for that will get me where I most want to go.
The scariest part of looking to the future is knowing that friend circles, especially the ones from college, are transient; that is to say that we have enjoyed our time together, but soon we will all move on, make new friends, settle into new communities, and experience a new form of life without tests, semesters, staying up late with housemates, and being able to come home for vacation.What will our lives look like in the real world? Will I be mature and sophisticated enough to ride through this transition with grace and confidence?
I guess applying for grad school has made me think about who I will meet, who I will work with, and what experiences lie ahead. Though these opportunities excite me, the power to decide frightens me. What if I choose the wrong place? What if I don't settle well into the new place? What if I don't succeed wherever this path of life takes me? I know that no matter what I can look to a bright and joyful future with friends and family that love me for me, because that has followed me my whole life. I know I have a faith in a God who will only allow the best for me, and that is a great comfort. I think the fear comes from the blunders that I know I am going to make on the way; even though I can preemptively say that I am going to fail, I cannot prevent these failures, and learning some of life's lessons can be hard. But I am hoping (the eternal optimist in me emerges) that these stumbles along this journey will merely look like I am dancing, and not that I have screwed my life up beyond any point of redemption.
Ultimately these fears chalk up to nothing, a vapor that tries to drag me down as I fly towards the open window placed before me, yet I look back and miss what I have lost. Along the way, drifting apart from friends and a significant other have detrimentally affected how I see myself and my future, yet I move on, striving for those who will truly love me, and fight for me no matter what. I love unconditionally, and I cannot wait to find someone who will do that same.
The scariest part of looking to the future is knowing that friend circles, especially the ones from college, are transient; that is to say that we have enjoyed our time together, but soon we will all move on, make new friends, settle into new communities, and experience a new form of life without tests, semesters, staying up late with housemates, and being able to come home for vacation.What will our lives look like in the real world? Will I be mature and sophisticated enough to ride through this transition with grace and confidence?
I guess applying for grad school has made me think about who I will meet, who I will work with, and what experiences lie ahead. Though these opportunities excite me, the power to decide frightens me. What if I choose the wrong place? What if I don't settle well into the new place? What if I don't succeed wherever this path of life takes me? I know that no matter what I can look to a bright and joyful future with friends and family that love me for me, because that has followed me my whole life. I know I have a faith in a God who will only allow the best for me, and that is a great comfort. I think the fear comes from the blunders that I know I am going to make on the way; even though I can preemptively say that I am going to fail, I cannot prevent these failures, and learning some of life's lessons can be hard. But I am hoping (the eternal optimist in me emerges) that these stumbles along this journey will merely look like I am dancing, and not that I have screwed my life up beyond any point of redemption.
Ultimately these fears chalk up to nothing, a vapor that tries to drag me down as I fly towards the open window placed before me, yet I look back and miss what I have lost. Along the way, drifting apart from friends and a significant other have detrimentally affected how I see myself and my future, yet I move on, striving for those who will truly love me, and fight for me no matter what. I love unconditionally, and I cannot wait to find someone who will do that same.
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